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2. I Drink Alone by George Thorogood – Nothing spells romance more than an ode to solitary boozing in which the main object of affection is Jim Beam.

3. Anything by Weird Al Yankovic – Go ahead, you try being intimate to the sweet sounds of My Bologna. There’s nothing funny about that.

4. I Ran by A Flock of Seagulls – Good song, but you know in the heat of passion you’re gonna think about that dude’s wacky hairstyle. Too distracting.

5. Ninja Rap by Vanilla Ice – It’s Vanilla Ice rapping about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Is any further explanation really necessary?”

6. I Didn’t Mean to Turn You On by Robert Palmer – Good song, but the wrong message, ya know?

7. You’re Cheatin’ Heart by Hank Williams – unless you revel in being a two-faced, lying, cheating, scum bag and are doing it with your ho secretary while your wife is stuck home with the kids.

8. Independence Day by Martina McBride – “Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay, it’s Independence day.” Always sounded to me like she had revenge on her mind. Guys – watch out if your woman puts this song on the stereo when she’s getting romantic. She just might have something more violent on her mind. Remember Loreena Bobbitt?

9. Anything by Boy George or Cyndi Lauper – Weren’t they the same person? I mean, they had the same fashion sense. If I hear “I Tumble For Ya” or “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” I picture nearly the same hairstyle and clothing on a somewhat androgynous form. Not sexy at all and kinda creepy. Definitely kills the mood.

10. Anything by Michael Jackson – after watching the freak show of a court trial and hearing about all the wacky goings-on at Neverland, I’ll never hear one of his songs the same way again. And can you even IMAGINE him and Elvis-ette getting it on? Now THERE’s a freak show!

11. I Get Around by the Beach Boys – Ever heard of AIDS? Damn, boy! If you “get around” I don’t want to get around you!

12. The Chicken Dance – you know that stupid thing they make you do at wedding receptions? Not romantic at all.

13. The Hallelujah Chorus – well, not unless your partner’s REALLY good.