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Guest: B.H. Dark

January 14, 2009 on 6:00 am | In Challenge, Guests | 14 Comments

What my new year’s resolution?

It’s totally to be abducted by an uber-hot space alien. Like Dr Who (David Tennant incarnation preferably, though I’ll take Christopher Ecclestone or Paul McGann). Or Superman. Or Ziggy Stardust. Or Mork from Ork. (He was hot. You wanted to be Mindy. Admit it.) Or the Good Terminator. Or Han Solo. Or Worf. Or Zaphod Beeblebrox. Or Kang.

Well, maybe not Kang. I’m not so keen on sloppy kissers.

What I am keen on, though, is a life of travel, adventure, laser beams, android slaves and super-freaky mind-melding sex.

Anyway, to that end, since January first, I’ve been hanging out on a lot of high places. Rooftops, cliffs, mobile phone masts, flat-topped mountains. I’ve made some big signs, saying things like “Hey! Sexy alien! Here, please!” or “Need a lift to Eroticon 6”. (I had to put away the “Anal Probing OK” sign after that creepy guy down the street thought I meant him.)

I’m wearing Lt. Uhuru skirts. I’m listening to Alien Ant Farm. I’ve even painted myself green and poured the contents of a dozen glowsticks over my head.

So far, nobody’s offered me a lift any farther than the 7-11. But I’ll let you know when I get there.

B.H. Dark is offering a free download of Close Encounters to the commenter who leaves the best tip about how to be abucted by a sexy space alien. Go on, help her out. She’s desperate.

B. H. Dark is the pseudonym for bestselling authors Julie Cohen and Kathy Love. Like all good pseudonyms, B. H. often says and does things that neither author would say or do in real life.

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The best way to be abducted by aliens (according to the National Enquirer) is to be driving along a deserted country road late at night. They always seem to take those people. I think the best way is to be caught moon bathing naked on as private beach. I guarantee they’d scap you up.

Comment by Valerie O. — January 14, 2009 #
I would go to NASA and use their equipment to blast a all point bulletin to come and get me.

Comment by Rachel M — January 14, 2009 #
Ohh I don’t know, a reasonably good excuse for being abducted while on a coffee run for work so I wouldn’t have to go back sounds good!

Comment by Stephanie — January 14, 2009 #
I would make a sexy voice recording highlighting all the great benefits of picking me up and then I would coerce a geeky guy into sending my recording to all those hot aliens out there in outerspace.

Comment by CrystalGB — January 14, 2009 #
Stage a solstice celebration in the wilds of Arkansas, carefully blackening out several teeth first (most spotters on TV seem to have poor dentition). Remember that dancing skyclad is essential, and use of phosphorescent body paint can only help.

Comment by Kaisquared — January 14, 2009 #
Search out Area 51. They’ve got to still be looking for their crashed spacecraft, right? Maybe they’ll come again and land properly this time.
Or you can try the other approach. Where clothes and hats made of tin foil so they can’t find you/read your mind. Doesn’t that always bring them running? Or is that the men with straightjackets? lol Who knows, they could be aliens in disguise

Comment by Christine — January 14, 2009 #
Wow, you guys are looking in all the wrong places.

Last time I looked the best place to spot aliens and be spotted was in the local coffee shop on main street in Nelson, B.C. There’s something about the Oso Negro coffee beans that draws them like… well, let’s just say there’s always a wide selection of really weird looking creatures hanging around that no one even bats an eye at.

I -think- I got asked if I wanted a lift to their home planet but it might have been just a sexual come on.

Hard to tell some times.

Comment by Viv Arend — January 14, 2009 #
Cow Tipping. Go find a field with some crop circles and cows. Don’t they want to come back and view their handi-work? Make sure to have the energizer bunny in your pocket and a DVD of Close Encounters. Oh, having the theme music from Close Encounters blasting out of a speaker from your iPod would be cool too.

Ooo, oooh, or…

Play hard to get. Maybe they are off put by the signs? Put our an aura of nonchalance and “I don’t need to be picked up by some silly aliens.” Maybe they are like those Alphas we all love so much – chasing the ones that don’t seem to want them… You’ll have them eating out or your hands, or navel, or anywhere else you want them to eat out of.

Good luck and when they snatch you, send us a postcard. LOL

Comment by JenWhite — January 14, 2009 #
LOL! Hmmm… I’m thinking Christine’s got the right idea, and maybe if you combine the foil hats with your Lt. Uhuru uniform, the hot green men will show up. I hear that foiling your windows might help attract attention, too–hopefully alien

On the other hand, let’s see… maybe what you need is to be a smart reporter for the Daily Planet with an interesting neighbor, or somehow bear a child who will be the leader of the human resistance movement to intelligent machines… Or you could just dress as Princess Leia! I’m guessing that the slave girl outfit would likely garner a lot of attention

If I got abducted with hotties like the ones in Close Encounters, I’d be trying harder to figure out how to entice those kidnappers, too!

Comment by Fedora — January 15, 2009 #
Drive through the backwoods of Arkansas (or Louisiana, both work) in a stolen police car, dressed as a cop (esp good if you’re female). Carry a big flash light and have one of those spotlights on your car.

Watch for an empty field far from home, one where you have to pull well off the road. It helps if there’s mud you can get stuck in, but if not, no worries. Turn off your car and then shine the big light all around the perimeter and up into the trees. This will run the battery down really fast. Take out your big flashlight and walk out info the field.

You may have to walk around the perimeter a bit, until you get that creepy, hair on the back of your neck standing-up feeling. That means they’re watching. This is the best chance of being captured. Let yourself breathe in and out fast and deep, like you’re really scared and not excited. Mumble things like, “Little green men. Hah! There’s no aliens out here!” At the first sign of rustling in the bushes (no matter that it’s a local bird) suddenly stop still and listen. With no warning, start running back to your car and try to start it (it’ll be dead, due to the light).

Get out and start running back the way you came, glancing over your shoulder. Don’t forget to wave the light around while you run. That always attracts attention.

Repeat weekly until you get captured or the men in the white coats put you away. After all, everyone knows most of those guys are alien anyway, and dang near all of ‘em carry probes!

Comment by Kayelle Allen — January 15, 2009 #
Dudes!

I’m sorry I’m late to the discussion. I’m ashamed to admit I have totally spent the last few days locked inside my house with the every episode ever made of the X-Files trying to pick up some hints. So far all I’ve learned is that I should possibly get a medical degree, wear suits with padded shoulders and sensible high heels, dye my hair red, act like a skeptic, and work for the government with some hot dude called Fox.

I’m a little worried about the padded shoulders so I’m really glad you guys have come up with some great suggestions.

Comment by B.H. Dark — January 16, 2009 #
Valerie, I make it a rule always to do what the National Enquirer says. That’s why I’ve got so many priceless commemorative plates lining the walls of my house…

Rachel, do you think there are many hot scientists at NASA I could convince to abduct me for a little while, just for practice? ggg

Stephanie, I feel your pain.

Crystal, that’s probably more efficient than my handwritten signs, I guess.

Kaisquared: phosphorescent body paint and blacked-out teeth. I like the way you think.

Tinfoil and Area 51, Christine. Good one. I worry about microwave ovens, though. Can I reheat my dinner while wearing a tinfoil hat? Because it’s hungry work, waiting to be abducted by hot aliens.

Comment by B.H. Dark — January 16, 2009 #
Viv, our local pub is very much like what you describe. One time I went in for a quick drink (God knows why) and they had a rabbit running around loose inside the pub. I thought at the time that they were just being eccentric, but now I know: ALIEN RABBIT OBSERVING HUMAN DRINKING HABITS.

Jen, I like the cow tipping idea paired with all those high-tech come-on devices. The playing hard to get is also a very good idea (though I would’ve thought locking myself in the house with several X-Files DVDs does make me sort of hard to get).

Fedora! The slave outfit from Jedi! What a brilliant idea! I’ve always wanted one of those anyway. Would look great with a tinfoil hat. And if I’m going to fit into the slave bikini I probably don’t want to reheat (or indeed eat) many meals, anyway, so problem solved. Yup.

Kayelle…I am…speechless. I do indeed think that is foolproof. In fact I think I saw something very similar during my X-Files glut.

Comment by B.H. Dark — January 16, 2009 #
And…the winner of the book has to be Kayelle because she made me fall off my chair laughing. If you send me an email at bhdark at gmail dot com, I’ll send you your book.

Thank you so much ladies, you are all absolutely hilarious!! I will send a postcard from space. If I have time in between all the alien shagging.

Comment by B.H. Dark — January 16, 2009 #