biancadarc.com Blog

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

October 6, 2009 on 7:00 am | In Life | 10 Comments

Not sure if I should do this here… if you’re looking for a rah-rah post about an upcoming release or something, stop right here. I’ll get back to that at some point – I hope – but right now I’m just too depressed to do much of anything other than examine what’s going on in my world and how I can make it better. As some of you know by now, my mother was just diagnosed with cancer. It was totally out of the blue and utterly devestating.

She went from being very active (we’ve called her the Energizer Bunny for years) and working to nearly bedridden in less than 2 months. We’re looking forward to starting chemotherapy – maybe this week. Did you catch that? Looking forward to chemo? Dear God, how my world has changed in a few short weeks.

Only now do I realize I’ve been in a sort of semi-depressed state since somewhere around 2003. Let me go back a bit… In the Summer of 2001, I was an Assistant Vice President on Wall Street. I was making oodles of money and had the “dream” job I’d always wanted, but it was like that old saying: Be careful what you wish for. I hated that job and quit it roughly 2 weeks before 9/11. I’ve always thought God had a hand in the timing there. If my boss had wanted me to work out my 2 weeks notice, I probably would have been in my office, in the shadow of the Towers on 9/11. As it is, I wasn’t, and I’m forever grateful for that.

That’s not to say that 9/11 wasn’t traumatic. I had friends there. But that’s enough of that. To bring the story forward a little, let’s just say that my job situation cleared up the following week. My previous employer called me back to be a consultant. I did that for about 3 years until the consulting work dried up. During that time, I pocketed some money to finance my move to writing. After some fumbling – and a run-in with a bad ulcer – I managed to break into fiction in 2005 and was first published in 2006. I made next to no money for the first few years and lived off my savings, which grew perilously low.

I’m making more now, but nowhere near what I was making when I worked full-time. Still, I’ve been economizing and trying to stick with writing so I can spend as much time as possible with my aging parents. I love them. I get along with them. I have one other sibling who lives 3000 miles away and never visits. I’m their only moral support. I’m the only one they can depend on.

And increasingly, they’ve become the center of my universe.

Only now do I realize that I went from being an independent career woman with her own business, to some kind of old kid, reverting to a child-like existence where my parents are my best friends. While I’m glad I’m here to help, I now see that there must be something wrong with my life. And how selfish is that? That I’m weeping about my future when my mother is facing her own mortality and an uncertain lifespan.

Now that I look back on it, I’ve been overly emotional for the past few years. I burst into tears at the least provocation. I’ve been crying like… every day. Not since the news about the cancer. I’m talking since about 2003. Um… something is probably wrong with that.

When I would get choked up, I’d tell myself to knock it off and hide it. Now that I’m sitting with my Mom all day long everyday, I can’t hide it anymore. When I try to tell her why I’m crying - which has a lot to do with her illness, of course, though I don’t want her to know it – I realize I’m scared spitless about my future. Again… selfish. I shudder to think how horrible I am, but I can’t help it right now.

I think I’ve reverted to that pre-college stage where you’re not sure about your future and getting ready to leave the nest. Only this time, I don’t have that 20-year-old optimism about how bright my future is. No, now I’m 40 and realizing that I’ve wasted a good portion of my life chasing a business career I ultimately gave up. While getting a lot of edcuation and climbing that corporate ladder I missed out on dating, marrying, having kids… all that normal stuff. Basically, I’m alone. Well, I have my Mom and Dad, but for how much longer?

Then I cry, dreading a future alone. And I make my living now writing romance. Paradox, anyone?

I hope you don’t mind my blogging about this, but writing it out helps me figure out what’s going on in my head. I’ve had a rude awakening. I can’t hide the tears anymore. Now they’re mixed with tears for my Mom’s situation. I’ve got to work my way out of this emotional black hole, fighting gravity all the way.

I don’t know what to do.

Get Shareaholic

10 Comments »

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

You are in my prayers, and thank you for sharing. I know I think better when I can write it out or talk it out. You are not alone. You are not being selfish, you must be able to see something for yourself as well as care for those you love. All my best wished to you!

Comment by LaceFace — October 6, 2009 #
If this makes you feel any better, I not only get it, but I’m right there with you. The big time career, not so much, so I can’t even claim to have done something with my life. My mom is my best friend, we talk on the phone every night and I see her every weekend. I don’t have kids or a husband and while most days that doesn’t bother me anymore, I do wonder what will happen to me when I am aged. My brothers and sister have kids, but I cannot expect them to care for me.

I cried everyday during my mid-thirties. I was in a job I hated, my boss totally wrecked my self confidence, and I was depressed over the lack of a husband and family. Finally, my mom told me not to call her because my unhappiness and generally crabby attitude were making her crazy. Somehow that helped me to snap out of it. I ditched the high stress crappy job and made peace with myself (mostly).

I don’t know if this helps, but you have many people who admire your talent and would miss you if you were not here.

Comment by Lisa J — October 6, 2009 #
LaceFace – Thank you for understanding why I needed to write this down. I’m working through it slowly. It’s been a long time coming – this reckoning – but it’s here and I can’t escape it this time. I can’t hide from it and I can’t just fly away and ignore it.

Lisa – I have a sort of running joke with the only childhood friend I have left. She lives in another state, having moved away after a messy divorce. She has a lot of kids and probably won’t remarry, though she’s always looking. We figure if we both are old and single, we’ll do a “Golden Girls” kind of thing and share a place. Maybe you can join us! lol. I’m learning there are a lot more of us single women out there than I realized. Thank you for the moral support. It is much appreciated.

Comment by Bianca D'Arc — October 6, 2009 #
Bianca:

A firend and I have said the same thing. We’ll get a twin home and she can be the crazy lady with hundreds of cats and I’ll be the crazy ladt with hundreds of dogs. Maybe we can all join forces and find one big place which will house us all.

My thoughts will be with you.

Comment by Lisa J — October 6, 2009 #
It is not strange at all that this is hitting you now as you are faced with your mother’s mortality. It only makes you think about your own and that is not selfish in the derogatory form of the word. As you said, you are “alone”…who else is going to think about your “self” and your needs.

This happens to the majority of people who have a loved one or themselves facing a major illness. I have to go with the cliche of that which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

Comment by Amy Kathryn — October 6, 2009 #
I totally get what you are going through. You are not selfish. You are going through anticipatory grief and it is normal. Take care of yourself. That includes walking, getting enough sleep and eat healthy. You can only take care of others if you take care of yourself.

Comment by Lindsey Ekland — October 7, 2009 #
I agree with the comments here, you are not being selfish.

First off, I am truly sorry to hear your mom was diagnosed with cancer. Been there, done that, hated every waking momnet of it. Not myself, but my husband when he was 26. It is not an experience I would wish on even my enemies. As you care for your mother remember to care for yourself.

Second of all, thinking about yourself in this time is quite frankly natural. Things like cancer brings your life into perspective really quick. It makes you take stock of things and makes you realize all you have accomplished or havent.

Pray, believe in God, if that is what you believe in and know that his will is what takes precedence. Our time on this earth is not a long enough one to be with our loved ones but rejoice in the fact that your mom and dad are still here, and while still here(albeit not in good health) that you must show your strength, pour all your love and faith in everything you do to show them, and tell them everyday, I love you.

I apologize if I seem all over the place but this sure brings back memories for me and I hate knowing someone I know is going through it also.

Know that we care for you and yours even if we never have had the pleasure of their company. Know that our thoughts, prayers, and cyber hugs go out to you.

God Bless

Comment by Suzette — October 7, 2009 #
Amy Kathryn – thank you for the pep talk. I’d forgotten that cliche, but I guess you’re right.

Lindsey – I’ve never heard that term “anticipatory grief” but you’re spot on. I never really studied psych in college – guess I should have. It might’ve helped now.

Suzette – Tell hubby he’s in my thoughts a lot. He survived. I’d like to think that my Mom has a fighting chance at living a long time yet too. But they still don’t really know exactly what kind of cancer we’re dealing with yet. They’re doing more testing and are starting her on chemo next week regardless, for which I’m grateful. I want to get started with a cure or at least something that could help shrink whatever’s going on inside there. Give hubby a big hug for me and thank you for sharing your thoughts. It means a lot to me.

Comment by Bianca D'Arc — October 8, 2009 #
Lindsey’s right. Get out and walk, take a breath of fresh air, relax for a bit. No deadlines, no stress, just be. If you don’t take that moment to yourself the worry is going to destroy any control you’ve got.

You are a strong woman, one that chose to chase her first dream, then go after another one when the first one didn’t give you what you needed, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I love numbers and mechanics more than almost anything, but there’s nothing in the world like the characters’ voices in my head spilling across the paper. The story I see becoming the story someone else reads…

You’re strong because you have to be. And there is strength in tears. It’s the body’s release when the heart bleeds (my grandmother used to say that).

You’ve got friends. And you’ve got our support. *hugs*

Comment by Dawn Montgomery — October 13, 2009 #
Man, do I feel for you. Best of luck to your mom and you during these trials. Ill health takes its own toll on top of the stresses in life.

But know you’re not alone in worries about the future. My friend and I were just discussing our own mutual dissatisfaction with life. Nearing forty and wondering where the time has gone! I have kids and a husband, and sometimes I wonder if I made the right move leaving a successful career I loved to focus on family. There are a ton of ups and downs we all experience, but I guess you just learn (SLOWLY but surely) to live with it.

You’re smart, you write extremely well, and you’re dedicated to family. When you think about it, you have a TON going for you. Nice rah rah moment, eh? But it’s true. I think a big problem with a writing career is that it is so isolated. You need to connect with others and get out of the house. I know a trip to the gym or a visit at the local coffee house with a friend does wonders for me. And with all the worries you now have with your mom’s health, you really need to let go.

And you know what? You’re entitled to be selfish now and again. It makes you human, it makes you real, and it makes you a real woman. Do something for yourself now and again. You deserve it!!

God Bless you and your mom!! Marie

Comment by MarieHarte — October 13, 2009 #